“Clooping” and Other Tips for Stronger Relationships

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, the namesake of my school (Abraham Joshua Heschel Day School in Northridge, California), said, “What we need more than anything else is not textbooks, but textpeople.” When I discuss this beautiful quote with our community, I ask, What did Heschel mean? Time and time again, what comes out of our discussions is that the desired outcome of learning, through textbooks or other means, is to establish positive relationships with others. Heschel emphasizes the relevance of personal connection.

I am blessed to have had many roles at my school for four decades. I am a proud alumnus, and right out of college I started working at Heschel as a Judaic studies and physical education teacher and coach. Knowing that I hoped to become an administrator, I asked our school rabbi and middle school director what advice they had for me if I wanted to serve as a leader of the school in the future. From the numerous anecdotes they shared with me, one theme stood out: relationship-building.

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Twenty-five years later, now in my 10th year as head of school. I still ask myself, What does it mean to have strong relationships with others? What are moments that I can point to where I can say, yes, I have created meaningful relationships that have helped others and have advanced our school? Many ideas come to mind, but these are the most important themes in creating strong relationships: show up and be present, walk like a three, be consistent and “cloop” (close the loop).

Showing up and Being Present

Throughout my first year working at Heschel, I often observed the teachers who were most respected by students and other colleagues and tried to analyze what they all had in common. Time and again, what I found was that they took the extra step to show that they genuinely cared. These teachers stepped out of their classrooms during recess and lunchtime to socialize with their students and other faculty. They showed up at the afterschool sporting events to cheer on their students. They took the time to inquire about their colleagues’ weekends, asking followup questions to continue the conversation. They made sure to greet others with a smile. The bottom line is that they showed up, were present and put forth the effort to make connections.

Walking Like Three
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In creating strong relationships with others, I often say to our staff, “Walk like a ‘two’ more than a ‘one’” and “Walk like a ‘three’ as much as you can.” What does that mean? To me, a person who walks as a “one” has one thing on their mind, to get to the place they need to, as fast as they can, without stopping, without passing “Go.” A person who walks as a “two” is someone who will pause for two seconds, say hello and wish others a good day. These “twos” press pause and attempt to form a relationship. 

A “three” is the goal. A three reaches the destination, acknowledges others, but also stops and asks a question to start conversation. A person who walks as a “three” values others and understands that being part of a community means engaging with others.  

Clearly, there are times when you have to walk like a “one” because you are late or someone needs you urgently. At moments with slightly more breathing room, you can “take two.” However, “three” is the goal we should always strive for; by doing so, you convey genuine interest in and care for other people, nurturing relationships beyond the transactional sphere of work. A three is what we mean by being a mensch.

Being Consistent

In a school setting, students rely on adults to challenge their minds and nurture their souls. However, they also need our consistent, fair and respectful tone to fully succeed and thrive in our communities. When I meet with new staff members, I share the importance of being consistent in their emotions when dealing with others to make a positive impact on our community. Students, parents and colleagues should be able to predict our responses and emotions, whether it is 9 on a Monday morning or 2 on a Friday afternoon. Being steady with our emotions helps build the strong relationships to which we aspire.

Clooping

Eight years ago, Heschel invited Dan Levine, president and founder of Engaging Minds, to lead a professional development workshop for our staff about the importance of building strong relationships. One of the many lessons he shared was the value of “clooping,” meaning “closing the loop.” For example, after having a parent conference where an action plan is made, “close the loop” later and ask the parents how the child is progressing. If a student confides in you that a challenge has come up, a week or two after you help them, check in and see if anything is better. If a colleague shares something with you, approach them later and check in on them. “Clooping” has become part of our school’s dictionary and a value we hold strong in our community.

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In this day and age, when people are distracted by social media, cellphones and other devices, it stands out when people put down the phone, make eye contact and talk to someone. A professor in my teaching credential program said, “When communicating, 60% of what we say is interpreted through our body language, and 30% of what we say is understood through our tone.” If this is true, then 90% of communications is not what we say but how we say it. Every year I remind the staff that when they communicate with other colleagues, parents, students or anyone in the community, face-to-face and phone conversations are still the most personal means, especially when problems arise.

So as we try to raise more textpeople, we as leaders must model the value of creating and maintaining strong relationships to advance our schools and to uphold our Jewish missions.

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HaYidion Spring 2023: Relationships
Relationships
Spring 2023
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